i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
