Just fell off a train. Bad.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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