Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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