I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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