Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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