Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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