I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
