My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
