I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
