All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
