i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
