Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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