I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
