she sounds like chewbacca in bed
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
