I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
