just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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