you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
