Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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