I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
