just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
