my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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