I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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