Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
