I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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