My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize