I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
