My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's blow job season.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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