Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
