Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
