i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i came on her dog
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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