Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
