Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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