Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
