just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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