It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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