Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's the barista slut.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
