stop calling my apartment porn island.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
