Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
