Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
