We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize