im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
as a side note pls kill me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
