that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
