my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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