I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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