Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
