Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
