i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
