Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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