I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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