his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize