I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
