i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
