I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
