I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My life is pants optional.
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