Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
