I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Randomize
