i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
