Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize