I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
