Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
