what day is it and did you see me today?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
